


Brain Demons

by citrusfriend



Series: Poetry [21]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anger, Assisted Suicide, Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Coming of Age, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Forgiveness, Gen, Grooming, Growing Up, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Poetry, Recovery, Revenge, Revenge Fantasies, Slam Poetry, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Threatening Suicide, baiting an abuser into commiting suicide, or the lack of it really, raising a child to be sexually abused, to manipulate a child into being nicer to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:28:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25417699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citrusfriend/pseuds/citrusfriend
Summary: You call them 'brain demons'--the words in your head chanting for your death.I call it guilt.
Series: Poetry [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1320233
Kudos: 1





	Brain Demons

You have no right to my forgiveness,  
you have no right to my consideration,  
you have offered nothing as reparation.  
You implied that you would kill yourself if I didn't stop being petty,  
so do it.  
You offered me the responsibility to decide  
what to do with your life,  
so see it through.

Wash your mouth out with my name  
and use my blood as your soap.  
Lash yourself with my suffering.  
Flog yourself until the hurt never goes away,  
dangle yourself from the cross until you know nothing but agony.  
This is how you raised me,  
and now there is no redemption ready for you,  
no absolution available to comfort you.  
You call them 'brain demons'--  
the words in your head chanting for your death.  
I call it guilt.  
You call my behavior 'shitty pettiness'--  
I call it self-defense.  
I call it anger.  
I call it growing a fucking brain,  
without your voice haunting it, making it hell,  
a convenient place for your demons to rest.  
I have destroyed their haven,  
but you keep throwing them to me when you become laden,  
because you never learned how to live without me.  
I never learned how to love the both of us,  
but I am learning how to never choose you.  
I am learning how to let you die.

Hang yourself with my trauma.  
Cut yourself on every time you told me I deserved to be abused.  
Swallow down the knowledge that you raised your child to be raped.  
Starve yourself to malnutrition, just as you encouraged me to.  
Drown yourself with the memories  
of every time you told me to forgive a pedophile.  
Choke on the gas in the air left from your gaslighting,  
then light the gas and burn yourself alive;  
I will use my fury to fan the flame,  
because I love myself too much to forgive you.

You asked me once if I thought you were abusive,  
in past tense.  
I said you were not.  
I did not say that you always were, that you still are.  
That you always will be.

**Author's Note:**

> 7/3/2020


End file.
